Z-NEWS: On the way to Gandma’s houseparty, a car vehicle full of chums dressed as zombies wrecked a car on I-84, thus confusing Portland police and emergency response. Really? Their FX makeup must have been fan-forking-gorelicious.
Glad to hear none of these human kids got hurt. Mind you, if the real zombie infection left you intelligent enough to drive around town and socialize with friends, more folks would make the flip and voluntarily pick the zombie lifestyle.
I always had a hunch that Jesus McChrist was a super-zombie. Spear him in the side and crucify him, but he’ll just come back to life. Except Jason, Myers and the other super-zombies won’t show up to your party, daring you to stick your finger in their wound holes. Pretty gross, Son of God!
If you choose to live in superstitious fear of a resurrected monster, I would personally pick a more realistic mythology…like zombies. Honestly, the old and the new testaments both read like poorly compiled horror anthologies. And how silly and uncreative is the concept of hell? Oooh, a fiery pit of endless torment straight out of my worst imaginings: Like watching a never ending romantic comedy? Or getting trapped in a Walmart without exits? Or being forced to listen to a hateful & narcissistic televangelist drone on about who does and doesn’t hold the golden ticket to heaven? No thanks, I’d rather be a mindless cannibal.
Whether a result of radiation, rage virus or Haitian voodoo, one aspect I adore about the impending zombie invasion is the situational madlib of humor & horror that occurs when soulless monsters take the place of “normal” humans doing “normal” human activities.
Post-invasion, traditional culture and practice are immediately subverted, while our bodies continue wearing a costume of “normal” humanity.
Smaller confines result in an even faster spreading of zombism. As a survivor, there are few places to hide and remain protected. Rural areas work until the zombie hordes see your fire, hear your generator running or simply catch a whiff of your delicious brain. Eventually they will get though the fence, window, basement, back door or just pile on top of each other like a cannibal cheerleader pyramid until they reach you in the attic. Your house is not made of reinforced concrete, so the big bad zombie wolves will find a weak point and break through.
Your best bet remains in big box stores like Target or Walmart, since they can be locked securely and tend to have a sizable stock of preservative-heavy snack foods that won’t spoil for a couple of decades. After all of the sodas, twinkles and candy bars, you may develop diabetes but you yourself will not yet be zombie food.
Ideally, you want to find a prison for it’s maximum security locks, bulk food storage and acceptable cooking/living quarters, which leads me to the irony of the prison yard. Because of the close confines, prisons are highly susceptible to mass zombie infestation. One sickly guard is all it takes. So how do you clean out thousands of shoulder-to-shoulder zombie inmates? Who knows. What if the jail is free of the undead? Now, in order to get to the most secure safe house, you have to break in and coexist with the prisoners still locked inside.
Remember, there is no safe place after the zombie apocalypse. There will never again be a safe place.
“They’re coming for you, Barbara!” – NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
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Z-NEWS: On the way to Gandma’s houseparty, a car vehicle full of chums dressed as zombies wrecked a car on I-84, thus confusing Portland police and emergency response. Really? Their FX makeup must have been fan-forking-gorelicious.