Z-NEWS: On the way to Gandma’s houseparty, a car vehicle full of chums dressed as zombies wrecked a car on I-84, thus confusing Portland police and emergency response. Really? Their FX makeup must have been fan-forking-gorelicious.

Glad to hear none of these human kids got hurt. Mind you, if the real zombie infection left you intelligent enough to drive around town and socialize with friends, more folks would make the flip and voluntarily pick the zombie lifestyle.

Here’s some good advice from our ready-to-panic society about the H1N1 influenza aka swine flu.

Now I’m the first to get excited about a potential zombie virus sweeping the world’s human population, but this whole swing flu nonsense has been a massive ZOMG letdown.

Yes, swing flu may be a lethal threat to the elderly, young children and those with weak immune systems, just like every damn flu that came before it. Though I just don’t see these occasional influenza deaths resulting in the reanimation of dead flesh and the subsequent rampant human cannibalism.

There’s really nothing apocalyptic about a week of diarrhea and vomiting, unless it’s that crazy-fast projectile zombie vomit that’s so popular with the kids these days.

Stay home, drink plenty o’ fluids, and just strap yourself in a chair if you begin to feel the uncontrollable urge to feast on human brains.

Z-Props to probablybadnews.com

Researchers at Texas A&M and The University of Texas at Austin thereby pose an interesting question; Is it wise to introduce a foreign parasite to remove a nonnative pest? That followed by the no-less-important question: Will these nuclear-powered monster zombie ants be capable of telekinesis a la STARSHIP TROOPERS?

Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants – deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off.

Phorid flies hovering over ant

The biting, territorial fire ants cost the Texas economy about $1 billion annually by damaging electrical equipment, according to a Texas A&M study. They can also threaten young calves.

But now the researchers are trying a tiny phorid fly, native to a region of South America where the fire ants originated. Researchers have learned that fire ants in their home region are kept under control by as many as 23 phorid species.

The flies lay eggs on the fire ants, and the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat away at the pest’s tiny brain.

The ant will get up and wander for about two weeks while the maggot feeds, said Rob Plowes, a research

Zombie death from above

associate at the University of Texas at Austin.

“There is no brain left in the ant, and the ant just starts wandering aimlessly,” he said.

About a month after the egg is laid, the ant’s head falls off – and a new fly emerges ready to attack another fire ant.

“They’re not going to completely wipe out the fire ant, but it’s a way to control their population,” said Scott Ludwig, an integrated pest management specialist with Texas A&M’s AgriLife Extension Service.

Four phorid species have been introduced in the state since 1999. They don’t attack native ants or other species and have been introduced in other Gulf Coast states, Plowes told the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

But it will take time to determine if the flies are effective in Texas, perhaps as long as a decade.

“It’s not an immediate silver-bullet impact,” Plowes said.

Soon to be undead fire ants

This article appeared on page A – 7 of the San Francisco Chronicle